Too Hard to Handle
Dear TLOers,
The recent suicide of a high school student in Concord, MA has shaken our community to its core. Monday night, I attended a community conversation that brought together parents and members of the Concord-Carlisle school system - high school principals and school counselors, as well as Concord-Carlisle Superintendent Dr. Laurie Hunter - and a representative from Riverside Trauma Center. The panel shared information and advice for parents. Parents shared concerns and stories. It was both heartwarming and heart wrenching. The worry was palpable.
A few takeaways related to technology use:
Kids need our help building stronger connections, especially with the trusted adults in their lives.
In general, families need to slow down and be available for each other.
Parents and kids would benefit tremendously from regular support from and communication with each other about the issues.
We need more love. (I love love so this is almost always my take away).
As mentioned in our previous newsletter, the mental health crisis happening in this country is complicated. It’s multidimensional. There is no one answer. But there are things we can do to support our children, the children in our community and ourselves. For the next few weeks, we will share strategies you can implement today to build support and connection. This matters. It’s too important to put off until tomorrow.
Today, we ask that you hug someone (it's Valentine's Day, after all). If hugging isn’t your thing, tell someone they‘re important to you and that you love them, just the way they are. Extra points for giving your love to more than one person.
Be well,
Adrienne
Tip of the week:
When I was in high school, my very close friend committed suicide. It was devastating. With my adult mind, I now recognize the warning signs. But as a teenager, I had no idea. Hindsight is 20/20. And it's difficult to predict these things.
We can encourage kids to think about what they’re witnessing online or in person, and prepare them to recognize situations that are too big to handle on their own. Sit down with your children and teens and write down a list of unhealthy, dangerous and destructive behaviors that require adult assistance and/or interference. This includes:
any inappropriate sexual behavior, abuse or assault, including excessive viewing of porn. If your child is in MS or elementary school, any exposure to porn can be traumatic. If you think elementary-aged children are not at risk of porn exposure, remember the average age of first exposure is 12.
bullying, physical abuse, extreme sarcasm, exclusion, withdrawal (phubbing, ghosting, a friend who suddenly goes and stays dark).
self harm, risky behaviors or talk of suicide.
drug and alcohol abuse.
reckless driving habits, including texting while driving.
any situation that makes them feel icky, uncomfortable or worried. Encourage kids to trust their instincts.
Encourage your child to tell you immediately if they are victim to OR witness one of these situations. Assure your child that you will only intervene if they or someone they know is in danger, and that sometimes only an adult can make that determination. This is about keeping kids safe, not interfering with their personal lives.
This is a great time to talk with your kiddo about monitoring their smartphone and Internet usage. This is obviously a family decision but parents need to remember that the Internet was not designed for children and teens. There are many things online that can be harmful and even traumatic. It’s too much pressure to place the responsibility to recognize dangerous and potentially devastating situations and behaviors on children and teens. Remember we’re looking for potentially harmful behavior. We are not looking to nitpick our children’s normal, albeit sometimes immature and annoying, behavior. Bonus: A study found that kids changed their online behavior if they knew their parents were monitoring.
What you can do when your child comes to you:
Express your concern without judgement.
Really listen but don’t try to solve the problem unless they ask. Say things like, “tell me more” and “how did that make you or your friend feel?”
Maintain connection. Ask twice, “How are you doing?” Don’t forget to follow up and discuss how situations have played out. Recognize resilience, bravery and strength.
Be compassionate. Show your love and that you care about their safety. Assure them you will find ways to help and that you will stick with them until things improve.
Trust your judgement. If a young person denies that a situation is dangerous, trust your instincts.
Prioritize safety. Remember, you’re the parent. If you know a child or teen is in extreme distress or danger, enlist the help of a professional.
List of Trusted Adults
Next, establish a list of trusted adults who both you and your child feel comfortable talking with. Think: your friends who know your child well, coaches, school counselors, teachers, aunts and uncles, and yes, your in-laws (put your pride aside, my friend). Frequently, ask your child which teachers and school staff they are connecting with. The longer the list, the more likely they are to talk to someone.
Don't forget to share this plan with the people on the list and revisit it regularly to update the list and remind your loved ones that you care about their safety.
This exercise has practical uses but in general, it’s a really important way to build connections and open and honest dialog with your children and teens. Our children need to know that we are available and we care. It’s a heavy world for them to carry on their shoulders.